Do you have kiddos that are recent adults? Or nearing that ”adult” age? My boys are almost 19 years old and 17 years old. Yes, my boys are 17 and 18 and you can totally get pregnant nursing! My oldest graduated from high school in June but had finished up his classes in February. My youngest is in the middle of his junior year and will be turning 18 the beginning of his senior year. Let me tell you, parenting young adults is tough!
Most people think the baby and toddler stage are tough, but personally, I think the early teen and late teen years (ok, all the teen years) are the hardest. They know nothing and everything at the same time. Want your help then don’t want your help. They share then get mad if you have an opinion or they don’t like your opinion. They even get mad when you have nothing to say! Freedom is important to them, but not too much freedom. It feels like a shit show. Like I’m a passenger on a fast moving crazy train most of the time! Don’t get me wrong, I love every moment of it (well, mostly) but it can be frustrating and so emotionally draining!
Adulting Is Tough
Our oldest recently graduated high school with the intention of following the three generations before him and becoming a machinist in the family business. We would have supported any career decision he had, but we are so happy he is heading into the family business! It is hard to still live in your parent’s house and work all day with your dad. And, I know how hard it can be first hand! I worked for my stepdad off and on for most of my teenage years and helped in my mom’s cafe. It can cause added stress and tension when work issues follow you home!
The goal is to have your child capable of moving out and supporting themselves, right? Honestly, I’m not sure I could have moved out at the age of nineteen in today’s world. Things are much more costly now and the amount of bills you are forced to take on to hopefully survive, thrive, and function outside of your parent’s house is freaking insane! It is so tough trying to explain that to an 18 yr old that has expensive taste and expectations. Do you really need THOSE things RIGHT now?!? I’m sure I sound like a broken record telling him he needs to start focusing on getting out of our house! And, not because I don’t love him or want him to be here, but because I want to make sure he can do it! We may have made things a little to easy and comfortable here!
Trying to Set Expectations by Parenting Young Adults
We have been trying to put some things in place inside our home to try and motivate our oldest to start seeing how to budget better and not be shell shocked when he has to afford all those living expenses. He is notorious for complaining about not having anything to eat in the house. It can be so frustrating to hear ALL THE TIME!
We happened to have an old fridge collecting dust so we made some space in the garage and plugged that sucker in. I cleaned it all up for him too. My husband told him that this would now be his space to put his food in. That when he doesn’t have anything to eat, he can look in the mirror and blame himself. That should help right? Ha!
We also had a talk with him about the cost of groceries. How he needs to start contributing to that cost in our home by doing some of his own grocery shopping. If he doesn’t want to do the shopping, I told him he can give me a small list and some money and I will grab his things when I do my grocery shopping. I have not received a list or any money towards the groceries yet! Although, I have stopped buying him a lot of his extras though. I am trying my hardest to be strong in forcing the issue. But it’s so hard!
My husband and I had the discussion about what our oldest’s financial contribution should be now that he is graduated from high school and almost 19. It is a constant conversation between the two of us. Especially when my husband is getting irritated with how high our food bill is, how expensive our car insurance is, how expensive everything is!
The Truck Payment Fiasco
My son is supposed to be paying half of his truck payment to my husband every month. And yes, we pay the other half. We want him in a dependable, safe vehicle that has a warranty! And, to be honest, we do not need to justify or defend our choice to do this with him. Having him pay part of his truck payment is another way to hopefully prepare him to move out and force him to learn to budget well.
After turning 18, he also decided he was going to take a large portion of his savings and buy himself a dirt bike. A dirt bike he had asked for as a gift on his 18th birthday that we refused to purchase for him. He was able to qualify for a loan (with my husband as a co-signer of course!) and his payment is very reasonable. So, he has a truck payment and a bike payment that he is responsible for paying every month. Stick with me here!
The History of Non-Payment
I recently found out that my husband has not been “collecting” these payments from my oldest but instead has been paying the full truck payment and making the bike payment. What the actual hell! My husband had payed the payments in June and July as a graduation present. Then, because he wasn’t having him come in for a ton of work in August he paid it as well. My husband was letting him work less hours so he could enjoy his last summer. He felt if our son had chosen to go off to college we would have had to pay it as he was moving and getting settled. Most parents do still contribute a fair amount to college bound kids, right? That’s how he justifies it! And he isn’t wrong.
Then our oldest headed to grandpa’s for a few weeks in September to learn machining skills only the gramps could teach. We looked at it like he was apprenticing or interning for that time and his two payments were once again paid, by us. So fast forward to now and I find out he still has not started making the effing payments again! My response to my husband was “you know you are now paying for that dirt bike that we decided we were NOT going to buy for him, right? If he can’t start making that payment again the bike needs to be sold!”. I have made it a point to say this to my husband whenever the money discussion ensues. And to also bring to my oldest’s attention that I will sell the damn bike without any hesitation. UGHHHHHGHHHH!!
The Cost of Living Is Expensive!
So, let’s get back to the financial contribution discussion. He already is strapped with a truck payment and a bike payment which is roughly around $1000 all together. We obviously know how much he is getting paid each week. I write and sign his checks so I have a pretty concrete idea of his cash flow. If he were to move out tomorrow he would have to pay rent, utilities, cell phone, groceries, internet (and whatever streaming services), and gas.
And these are just the bare minimum. I haven’t even thrown his car or medical insurance in there or any of those shitty unexpected expenses that you have to be prepared for. Rent can range anywhere from $1000 up. Utilities, if not included in a rental, could be another $200+. Of course depending on how much electric and gas, well vs city water \sewer, trash is. His cell phone about $75, groceries $750 ($25 a day for 30 days), average internet $75, and diesel fuel is about $500. This is HIS monthly fuel average…he drives more than I do.
He’s looking at around $2600 a month in living expenses. Add that to his vehicle payments and he is needing a minimum of $3600 to live. If he were to get on his own vehicle insurance policy he would pay around $350 a month, which would bring his expense total to about $4000. Now, this doesn’t include a first and last deposit on a rental, health insurance, dental expenses, dinner out, vehicle repairs, or anything fun! How do we go about parenting young adults, when the cost of living is so damn high?
How Much Should an Adult Child Contribute to Living Expenses?
And, now I’m back to my original question again, of how much is a reasonable contribution from an 18 year old in his parents home? I understand that every household is different especially when it comes to finances. My husband was required to pay $50 a week ($200 per month) after he graduated high school and began working a consistent, stable job. His main complaint to his mom at the time was how he had no privacy and couldn’t really have friends over or come in after midnight.
He did have a sister who was still in high school and a little brother who was 15 years younger so I can understand some of the rules, but also what his frustration was at the time. Although way back then (you know, back in the late 90’s), $200 a month would have been the same amount of rent he would of payed to rent a room in a house with some friends or a studio apartment and have all the freedoms of living on his own. My son has lots of freedoms and benefits in our house. He can come and go as he pleases, maid service, grocery service, a chef. Umm, very comfy here like I said since I do all of those things in our house. Fortunately, we can afford to have him here but again, where and when do we start drawing lines?
We Want To Raise Financially Independent Children
I still feel like we are not any closer to figuring it out. I’ve never wanted my boys to feel unwelcome or like they can’t be in our home. I also do not want my boys to move out just to have to return again because they can not support themselves. And yes, I understand things happen, but I want them to be able to handle those things without needing to come back home.
Parenting young adults in this day and age is tricky. My husband and I moved out together at 19. We have never moved home or stayed with family or friends for any reason. We’ve also accomplished what we have because of our own motivation and determination. I want my boys to do the same. Of course we are here for them and as long as we are capable. We will always be willing to help them. I know I just contradicted myself but man, the world is so much harder to survive in now then it was when I was their age.
My husband and I also want our boys to be able to achieve more for themselves and have the lives they hope to live. Though still a discussion in our home, we are hoping to have my oldest start paying something to be living here. We are planning on putting whatever that is in an envelope to hand him on his way out. Hoping it will be enough to put towards a deposit on a rental or help provide the things he will need to live on his own without feeling the pinch of filling the house all at once. We do not want him to rely on credit cards or put himself into debt by charging things.
Parenting Young Adults – So What is the Answer?
Please share with me what you are doing if your high school graduate is still living at home with you!! How are you parenting young adults? Are you charging them rent? Living expenses? Do they have a plan they are sharing with you? I do know my son has a plan to be moved out by sometime over the summer. I think that is a great goal!
Living and surviving seems to be getting more and more expensive each year. My wish would be for him to be able to afford his life without killing himself with the stress of it all. Maybe we just need to start planning on getting a family property. Then have a family commune with lots of space between all of us!!
Talk soon:)